Whose Mission Is It Anyway?
by Ryuko-chan
Summary: For some reason, all the Gundam boys are being forced to star in something like "Whose Line is it Anyway?". But what are Trowa and Quatre doing down there? And how will Wufei honorably beat the asses of the other pilots if the points don't matter?


Whose mission is it anyway?  
  
The shadow of a chibi mech marches across the screen, takes out its beam sword, and carves out the words "whose mission is it anyway?" on the screen. All the while, a funky sax rif is playing. The screen opens on a room with an audience. Seated at a pillar is a grinning Duo Maxwell. He waves.  
  
Duo: Welcome to Whose Mission Is It Anyway? I'm your host, pilot 02, better known as Duo Maxwell! And here are our players (Camera flashes to each as he speaks) He's a Barbie girl, it's Quatre Raberba Winner! (shift to Trowa) He just feels Rhythm Emotion! It's Trowa Barton! (Flash to Wu Fei, who is looking disgusted with this entire prospect.) Don't mind, Chang Wu Fei, he's a china boy! (Pan to Heero, who is reaching into his jacket to retrieve a gun) And finally, Give a reason for Heero Yuy! (Pan back to Duo) Everyone knows the rules, There are none! And, as always, the points don't matter! Now for our first game. (There is a growl from Heero's direction) I mean mission.. We'll need Quatre, Wu Fei, and Trowa. (All three step forward, Wu Fei very angrily, though.)  
  
Wu Fei: How did I let myself be talked into this?!? I bring myself down when dealing with inferior people like you! This is not worth my time!  
  
Duo: (boredly) Well, maybe if you actually play, you can beat us all really bad.. (Wu Fei looks satisfied with that..) Of course, the points don't matter.(Duo adds softly) Anyway, the scene is this.. Quatre is a belligerent housewife, Trowa is her husband. Wu Fei, you're her beau. (There is a smattering of outrage from everyone but Trowa)  
  
Quatre: Why do I have to be the girl? (Trowa gives him a look)  
  
Duo: (Good-naturedly) Does Colin Mochrey ever whine about being cast as the bald canadian guy all the time? (Quatre shakes his head.) Well, then you shouldn't whine. (Quatre blinks)  
  
Wu Fei: (Sputters.. growls, murmurs, stops)  
  
Duo: Right, well, anyway. The scene is.. Trowa, you've just walked in on Quatre, ahem.. ing with Wu Fei. However, the twist is.. you're all..  
  
Audience: Ugly!. Hungry!.. Bloodthirsty Murderers! .. Fish!. Magic Knights!  
  
Duo: Wait, I like that last one.. Fish. You're all fish. And you're on land. Begin. (The three gundam pilots give Duo a combined dirty look, and start flopping on the ground)  
  
Quatre: Oh, yes! YES!!!  
  
Wu Fei: (Growl)  
  
Trowa: (Flops over to where the two of them are) Gasp! Darling.. How could you?  
  
Quatre: I'm sorry, Koiking! You just weren't giving me what I wanted to fertilize my eggs!  
  
Wu Fei: (growl, now softly) I'll kill you..  
  
Heero: That's my line!!!  
  
Trowa: I'm sorry, honey! Tosakint, baby, give me some sugah! (They proceed to make out.. Wu Fei looks ill)  
  
Duo blinks. He blinks again.. He presses the buzzer. He presses the buzzer again. He picks up a spray bottle. Wu Fei still looks ill. He sprays them with it. They blink up at him. He presses the buzzer deliberately. They nod, and separate, Trowa now messing with his hair, Quatre now blushing. Duo rolls his eyes.  
  
Duo: Right, well, um, 195 points to Wu Fei for not throwing up..  
  
Wu Fei: (Throws up)  
  
Duo: (Sweatdrops) Well, I'll give you the points anyway, it's not like it makes much difference. All right (scans paper) Our next mission is called 'Superheroes It will involve all of you.. Come on, get up. (All roll their eyes.. and reluctantly rise) Heero will be our first superhero, and what is his. superhero name?  
  
Audience: Mokona man!... Little Washu!. Kamui!!. Skirt-boy!!! No! Frilly Dress man!!!  
  
Duo: (Smiles) I like that last one.. All right, Heero, you're Frilly Dress man. (Heero facefaults and brings out a gun)  
  
Heero: I will kill you.  
  
Duo: (holds up hands) Hey, hey, it's not me, it was him! (Points to the man in the audience who had shouted out the suggestion.. It's Kiryuu Touga.. He waves..)  
  
Heero: (Turns the gun on him) Fine, I'll kill you. I haven't killed anyone with my gun in a while.. It's thirsty for blood.  
  
Audience member: Hey! You stole my line! (It's Zelgadis Greywords)  
  
Heero: Hey, I didn't steal it. It was just there.  
  
Duo: Whatever, anyway, Heero, you're Frilly Dress man. If its any consolation, you get to name Wu Fei.. Oh, and there is some crisis befalling the world, what is it?  
  
Audience: Revolution!!. Clow cards rampaging! Suzaku no miko appears!!. OZ takes over!!. The pillar dies!!.. Brassiere shortage!.. NO! Sexy Woman shortage!!!  
  
Heero: Who said that one??  
  
Duo: Hm, I like it, sounds plausible.  
  
Heero: It was you again! (Points to Touga)  
  
Touga: (blinks innocently)  
  
Heero: That's it! (attempts to climb into the balcony but is stopped by the Dojo destroyer and Hikaru Gosinkujo)  
  
Duo: (sweatdrops) Ok, Heero, that's enough, let's just start the game..  
  
Heero: (angrily) Fine. Ahem. (Pantomimes sweeping, and fluffing a dress) Oh, looks like I have a stain on my dress.. I'd better go get the spot away. (As he's walking by, something catches his eye. He goes to an imaginary screen, and presses a few buttons) Oh, no.. the utter.. horror.. Looks like we're all out of sexy women.. Damn. I knew that Ranma Saotome collecting so many would be an impact! I have to call the others! (Wu Fei is reluctantly pushed out. Heero smiles.) Why, thank god you're here, Wakaba man!  
  
Wu Fei: I hate you. (Now, genkily) Frilly dress man, you're my true love! (Glomps him)  
  
Duo: You asked for that one..  
  
Heero: (Moans) Wakaba man, you have to help me, there's a sexy woman shortage.  
  
Wu Fei: We can't have that! (Unglomps himself, just as Quatre runs up)  
  
Quatre: I'm here.  
  
Wu Fei: (glomps him) Murderous Rampage man, YOU'RE my true love!!  
  
Quatre: (Now, gruffly) Get off me you FREEK!!!  
  
Wu Fei: (Unglomps)  
  
Quatre: What's the problem, you prissy little dead man!!!  
  
Heero: I'll get you for that.. (back in character) There are no more sexy women left!!  
  
Quatre: NO! SOME MUTHA IS GONNA PAY!!! (marches off, mouth foaming. Trowa arrives, raising his eyebrows mildly) HEY, WHY ARE YOU LATE, OVERLY EXPRESSIVE MAN??????  
  
Trowa: (blinks) Uh.. Uh. Er.. Um.  
  
Author: HEY!! This isn't one of my sarcastic remarks! Be expressive!!  
  
Trowa: (monotone) I don't know how.  
  
Author: (sweatdrops) Well, at least try! For the love of god, Wu Fei glomped on Heero! You can at least be expressive!  
  
Trowa: (shrugs, and tries to be expressive) I'm here, all you beautiful people!!!!  
  
Everyone: (sweatdrop)  
  
Duo: That was pitiful.  
  
Trowa: (Shrugs)  
  
Heero: Anyway, Overly Expressive man. There are no more sexy women left.  
  
Trowa: (Not believable at all) Oh.. How tragic.  
  
Author: HEY!! COME ON!!  
  
Duo: Hey, he's doing the best he can! He wasn't born an actor, he can't act upset about something that doesn't bother him!  
  
Trowa: (raises an eyebrow) And?  
  
Duo: And the game is over! (Presses buzzer. The rest return to the chairs. Wu Fei is about to murder someone) Right, anyway. What's the next mission? (Pissily, the author throws him a hat) Oh, scenes from a hat.. yay. (Blinks) This game is scenes from a hat.. No audience interaction (Touga awwws) That's right. All right, you four stand up, and step forward and give me an example of 'Painful family reunions'  
  
Quatre: (Steps forward) OH-HOHOHOHOHO!!! I'm back Amelia-onee-chan!!! (steps back)  
  
Heero: (Steps forward) OH-HOHOHOHOHO!!! Don't forget me, Kodachi Kuno!!!  
  
Trowa: (steps forward) OH-HOHOHOHOHO!!! Hey, I'm here too, Cephiro's new hime-sama-chan!!!!  
  
Duo: Grrr, enough with the oh ho hos!  
  
Wu Fei: AIYAA!! Shampoo love new relatives, Shampoo love being Saiolan!!!  
  
Duo: (Sweatdrops) Right, next scene.. _____-aids that you never wanna see..  
  
Heero: And for only ten cents a day, you can save these poor anime dominatrices from American dub censorship. Just look at what our organization did for the heart-snatchers of Sailor Moon fame! (steps back)  
  
Wu Fei: (totally off key) All we are saying, is give cabbits a chance. Thank you! Please donate to Ryo- and Kin-Ohki aid!!  
  
Quatre: (grabs Trowa by the arm. Trowa blinks. He whispers in Trowa's ear. Trowa nods. Quatre smiles) We are here for the non-yaoi organization, made to ban all yaoi.. Do you really want your children to see this? (he grabs Trowa and they kiss each other passionately. Hoots and hollers sound from the audience. They part and look at each other lovingly. )  
  
Audience: AWWWWW!!!!! (Trowa and Quatre step back) I BELIEVE!! (choruses the audience)  
  
Duo: And after that glurgy moment, we change subjects. (he draws a new card. he blinks) Are you sure this is right? (he asks the author)  
  
Author: (nodding resolutely) Oh, it's right.  
  
Duo: (Shrugs) All right, if you say so, author-sama. The next topic is Sailor Scouts who didn't make the spice girls cut. (The rest blink) Go for it.  
  
Heero: (steps forward) I'm manly spice, and here's my signature move, SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!!! (Steps back)  
  
Quatre: (steps forward) And I'm Sailor Uranus.. I mean and I'm shouty spice! (Steps back)  
  
Trowa: (Steps forward) Say hello to Raye, shriny spice!!! (steps back)  
  
Wu Fei: (steps forward) I'm genki spice, and where's Hotaruuu?????? (everyone looks at him.) What?? (he says, crossing his arms)  
  
Duo: Oh, nothing, nothing at all.. Just wonderin why you get so much into it now. I mean, just a second ago, you were moaning about how utterly stupid this was.  
  
Wu Fei: The only reason I'm trying so hard is to beat you loser's pathetic butts!!!  
  
Heero: Excuse me? (Pulls a gun) You will die.  
  
Wu Fei: Excuuuuse me!!! (notices the gun.. trails off) Right, well, looks like the game is over, right?  
  
Duo: Yes, thank god, yes. I give five hundred points to the author, for forcing herself to write this disturbing fic. Our next game will be party favors. Let's see.. Quatre is having a party, and he has invited some friends.. Open your envelopes to see who you are..  
  
Heero: (opens envelope, looks incredibly pissed)  
  
Wu Fei: (opens envelope, looks disgusted)  
  
Trowa: (opens envelope, is expressionless)  
  
Quatre: (Stands up, pantomimes preparing for a party) Oh, I wonder when my guests will arrive.  
  
Duo: (Rings doorbell)  
  
Heero: (steps out, blinks) Chu.. Chu chu.. chu chu.. (Bottom of the screen reads, "Every irritating anime mascot")  
  
Quatre: (Blinks). Welcome. uh.. Welcome.  
  
Heero: Meow! Reew!! Puuu PUUUUU pu! PIKA PI!!!  
  
Quatre: (sweatdrops) well, there are some carrots! (Heero zealously goes over to the table.. Duo rings the doorbell, and Wu Fei runs out.)  
  
Wu Fei: AH!! You're so cute, I'll call you Raoul!! (Glomps on Quatre. Bottom of screen reads "Asuza")  
  
Quatre: (sweatdrops) Right.. um.  
  
Wu Fei: (notices Heero) AHHH!!! YOU ARE SO CUTE!!! I think I'll call you Dionne!!! (Glomps on Heero)  
  
Heero: ACK!!! PIKA CHUUU!!! CHU CHU CHU!! PUUU!!! PUUUU!!! AHH CHOKING!!!  
  
Duo: Out of character!!!  
  
Heero: (gives Duo a dirty look..) CHUU-KING THEN!  
  
Duo: Better. (Rings the doorbell. Trowa arrives)  
  
Trowa: I have arrived. (The bottom of the screen reads, "G-boys")  
  
Quatre: Oh, good! You're here!!  
  
Trowa: Hello, Quatre. (Then, he narrows his eyes) I will kill you.  
  
Quatre: (blinks) Right.. Ok..  
  
Heero: HEY!!!! (Duo gives him a dirty look) I mean. PUUUU!!!!  
  
Trowa: (blinks at entire scene) Whoa! I can't even believe this, I mean, you people are all insane! Let me out of here, all I want to do is kill lots of people!!  
  
All: (blink blink)  
  
Trowa: (suddenly emotionless again) Excuse me, who are you all again? I'm deeply sorry.. I have a problem..  
  
Quatre: (blink blink.. Brightens) Hey!!!  
  
Trowa: Oh, please, don't make me kill any of you, I really don't want to!  
  
Trowa: (abruptly changing demeanor) I will not be lowered to the level of you people! I am far superior!  
  
Wu Fei: *piku piku* HEY!!  
  
Duo: (laughing hysterically, Presses buzzer.) Okay, Quatre, who are they?  
  
Quatre: Geez, I don't know. (points to Heero) Carrot Top?  
  
Duo: Noo, close though!  
  
Quatre: Hmm.. Irritating anime mascots?  
  
Heero: YES! Finally! (sits down, looking pissy)  
  
Quatre: Ok.. And Wu Fei was.. Christina Aguilera?  
  
Wu Fei: No, you simpleton!  
  
Quatre: HEY! Fine, you were Asuza, from Ranma ½..  
  
Wu Fei: (nods)  
  
Quatre: And Trowa was.  
  
All: (nod expectantly)  
  
Quatre: The Backstreet Boys? (All sweatdrop) N'Sync?  
  
Duo: Guess again..  
  
Quatre: Geez, I don't know.  
  
Audience: IT WAS YOU!!!!!  
  
Quatre: (blinks) I knew that..  
  
Duo: (sweatdrops) I'll give eight points to Quatre, because I feel sorry for him. Right, well, now we come to our final game.. Before the special game with me, of course. (He winks suggestively. The rest look mildly ill) This game is for everyone.  
  
Author: No!  
  
Duo: What?  
  
Author: Let Wu Fei be! Can't you see he's been tortured enough?! (evil grin)  
  
Duo: Right, whatever.. So our next game is Film Styles.. It's for Quatre, Trowa, and Duo.. I shudder to say, but this one involves audience participation. Quatre, you are a spy, riding the train to where you will be de-commissioned and retire.. Trowa and Heero are rival spies, who want to kill you before you make it that far.. And now we need some suggestions for styles of anime that they will be playing this scene in.  
  
Audience: Sailor Moon!!! UTENA!!! Magic Knights! The Simpsons!! Lemon!  
  
Duo: (looks up) Who said that??  
  
Touga: (smiles sheepishly)  
  
Duo: Not in this fic, pervert!  
  
Audience: Fox TV special!!! Rurouni Kenshin!! Slayers!! CLAMP! Anything CLAMP! Tenchi Muyo!!  
  
Duo: (holds up hands) That's enough, that's enough.. All right, you guys go.  
  
Quatre: (pantomimes putting away his suitcase) Ah, it'll be good to go back home.. raise a family.. Maybe drink some sake. (Trowa and Heero come in, looking superbly secretive.)  
  
Heero: (pulls his gun) Ohayo, Jin-kun.  
  
Duo: (rings buzzer) Fox TV special.  
  
Trowa: (turns to camera) And we welcome you tonight, to When outraged enemies attack. As you can see, this spies particular rival has pulled a gun on him.. Let's watch!  
  
Heero: You will die, now..  
  
Quatre: You can't cut me down.. (Glances at camera) In my prime..  
  
Heero: Your prime was over years ago..  
  
Quatre: (pulls knife, sticks it to Heero's neck) Was it really?  
  
Trowa: Thanks to our super stealth technology, we can now watch, in a totally non-interfering way.  
  
Heero: Ah, help me cameramen, he'll kill me!  
  
Trowa: Let's watch!  
  
Duo: (rings buzzer) Utena.  
  
Quatre: (disengages knife from Heero's neck) So.. did you get your last letter from end of the world?  
  
Heero: Yes.  
  
Trowa: Yes.  
  
Quatre: (glances at knife, then pantomimes throwing it at Trowa.) What did it say?  
  
Trowa: (puts arms into a position to mold the knives around his hands.) Not much. It told me to cut off your rose with my sword.. The one I pulled from the bosom of a young girl.  
  
Heero: Really? (Makes little sword falling sounds) It told me to have ambiguous sex with many unnamed partners.. For power..  
  
Quatre: That's awfully odd. (Releases a handful of balloons that he got from who knows where) It told me to seek my shining thing.. endlessly..  
  
Heero: Odd..  
  
Trowa: But the last chapter hasn't been written yet.  
  
Quatre: Do you know?  
  
Duo: Oh, that's enough of that (rings buzzer) Now do.. The Simpsons..  
  
Quatre: DOH! You can't kill me! I have a wife and kids! Kill them!  
  
Heero: WE won't kill you. He will!!  
  
Duo: (Rings buzzer) All right, now, do. Magic knights..  
  
Heero: Wait, I don't want to kill you until you tell me why you are fighting against me..  
  
Trowa: We're fighting against you because we're in love! (for effect, Quatre glomps him)  
  
Duo: *piku piku* (rings buzzer) All right.. Um.. Ranma..  
  
Heero: No wait, we're coming to kill you because we're all in love with you! All of us! Even him! (points into audience to Tatewaki Kuno, who is sitting between Nabiki and his faithful ninja, Satsuke. He stands)  
  
Kuno: Thou shalt face the wrath of the blue thunder (lightning flashes) of Furinkan high! (draws his bokken) Hark! My naked weapon is out!  
  
Duo: (winces) Not in front of the viewing audience, please.  
  
Kuno: (gives Duo a dirty look) And now I shall- (stops as his arm is wrenched down)  
  
Nabiki: Kuno-baby, can you please not make a scene..  
  
Kuno: Unhand me, woman!  
  
Nabiki: (gives him evil glare)  
  
Kuno: (sits down.. someone in the audience makes a whip cracking sound) Silence, fools! (snickers)  
  
Duo: (sweatdrops) Right, well, looks like the game is over. I award fifteen billion points to whoever made that whipping sound. And, seeing as that was our last game.. I suppose the winner is. Chang Wu Fei.  
  
Wu Fei: HAH! I beat you pathetic fools!  
  
Duo: Which means he gets to judge while the rest of us do the last game, hoedown! With help from Relena Peacecraft on synth, and Dorothy Catalonia on guitar.  
  
Dorothy and Relena: (waves)  
  
Duo: (goes down on stage as Wu Fei goes up to the chair) All right, and now I need a topic that really ticks people off..  
  
Audience: Mokona! (puu puu puuuu! Thwack!) Nevermind.. Papercuts! Relena!  
  
Relena: Hey!  
  
Author: American dubs!  
  
Duo: Hey! Fourth wall!  
  
Author: Hello, I've already violated the freakin fourth wall enough, and I'm the author, you're doin American dubs! Freakin!  
  
Duo: Fine, geez.. (fruity music starts)  
  
I used to be a really kick-ass kinda guy..  
  
Anyone who crossed me, well, you knew they would die..  
  
Then we premiered in the U.S. of A.  
  
So that made me the 'Great Destroyer' today!  
  
(Everyone claps)  
  
Heero: Ok.. I can do this..  
  
I really like to threaten lots of folk,  
  
Even though sometimes, they think it's a joke,  
  
But now, instead, It's 'I'll destroy you'  
  
American Dub makers, Omae wa korosu!  
  
(Clap clap clap)  
  
Quatre:  
  
I used to love to watch my Sailor Moon.  
  
That Mamoru, he sure made me swoon. (dirty look from Trowa)  
  
But now, I have to contend with dozens,  
  
Of episodes making Haruka and Michiru cousins!  
  
(Fervent clapping)  
  
Trowa:  
  
I don't really mind our dub, I guess it's fine.  
  
Except for that fact, that I get no lines..  
  
I think it makes me a really angry boy,  
  
To learn that they just cut out the yaoi!  
  
All:  
  
Cut out the YAOI!!!!!!!  
  
(Sound applause, marked by whistles, and the sound of people lighting torches and scribbling signs to go and protest at Cloverway and/or DiC and BANDAI)  
  
Duo: Thank you, thank you peoples!!! (all take a bow) Wu Fei, you read the credits  
  
Wu Fei: (rolls eyes) Right.. Um.  
  
Duo: In the style of Xelloss!  
  
Wu Fei: Grr. (now, brightly, eyes closed) Hello! Who wrote this fic. hmm.. Sore wa.. DragonGirl desu!! Special thanks to. Yare, yare.. Now. that is. A secret! Or, it could be SilverWolf, Kelleth, and Toonami, for putting Gundam Wing on their channel. As always.. I don't own the Gundam Wing characters.. Or do I? That's a secret! I also don't own Whose Line is it Anyway? That belongs to ABC and the BBC!!! Ja ne, minna!  
  
Author: (Pats all the G-boys on the back) Very nice, boys.. Very nice.  
  
Wu Fei: (Growls) At great personal risk.  
  
Author: Oro?  
  
Wu Fei: You wrote this fic at great personal risk, ne?  
  
Author: Uh.. er.. Mata ne! (runs off very quickly, being chased by a murderous Wu Fei.)  
  
Duo: (sweatdrops) Riight.. Well, good night folks!  
  
Heero: I'm outta here. (runs outside to the Wing Zero)  
  
Audience: (Clearing out. As they're leaving a mech starting sound begins outside)  
  
Zechs: What's that! (runs to door) Epyon!  
  
Author: Mmmm.. Epyon.. (flies off, slashing through random Leos as she leaves..)  
  
Zechs: My mech!!!!  
  
Quatre: Wow.. tough break.  
  
Wu Fei: HUH???? (The mech flies up, with a string attached to the Shenlong.. Flying up..) MY GODDESS!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!  
  
Author: Heh heh heh...  
  
Duo: Uh oh..  
  
Trowa: Problem.  
  
Heero: ..  
  
Quatre: Run!!!!! (everyone runs, just as Wu Fei's Ki explodes..)  
  
Wu Fei: BRING HER BACK!!!!!!! (The studio goes up in flames..)  
  
Author: Oh fine.. baby.. (detaches rope from mech, and it lands on the ground, with a thunk! Wu Fei runs up this mech and hugs it, rubbing his face lovingly on it.. Needless to say, it looks really weird..)  
  
Duo: Wow. Odd..  
  
Trowa: Huh.  
  
Heero: ..  
  
Quatre: Let's go. (They all leave in their respective mechs, leaving poor Zechs.. He bums a ride with Noin)  
  
THE END 


End file.
